Often, because I am a detective and sociologist at heart, I read things on Facebook threads that belong to my friends and trace the issue all the way back to its roots. I seldom hesitate to jump in with what I believe is a relevant rant, anecdote, sidetrack, contemplation, devil's advocate position, or personal experience. I just did that because I dislike (intensely) the involved individual who would be the catalyst for this trip back to roots. I think the topic is extremely relevant and the spiraling back to roots is something that we, as a society, should take on.
The 'good ole boys' club didn't just appear one day. It was created when weaker people -- usually females but not always -- allowed people who were in a position to hold something over them, to use them.
Allowed. The weaker chose protecting their lives, their jobs, their marriages, their reputations, their pride, their fear, their desire to have the most friends or the fewest enemies or to be in the popular crowd - something - over standing up to or denying their users and abusers.
In the example that prompted this status, a male who defends Kavanaugh, and in subliminal terms that maybe he doesn't even recognize, slaughters Kavanaugh's victim, and screams between the lines that he was a nerdy unpopular guy who only wishes he could have been able to attend drunken parties where it was okay to attempt to rape girls. Other men in the conversation attempt to walk around this with kindness and intelligence and I wanted to talk about the elephant in the room.
But, even though I believe the friend who started this conversation - a male - by saying he believes the victim and it's time for men to talk about it, the usually fearless me didn't want to offer myself as the screeching female who 'deserved' to be shut down. Possibly because I would have felt the need to go for blood. And my friend didn't want a bloody Facebook page.
In conversations like this, a particular memory with my daughter always comes to mind. She, her abusive boyfriend, and I were all on my bed. He was trying to impress me and have me talk her down from some argument they were having over him being angry because a guy on the street looked at her. Poor fool didn't have a clue that there was a woman like me alive, and that instead of being flattered by jealousy, we would turn him loose. He only confirmed what I already believed I knew - her sudden change in appearance from cover girl to dowdy was to keep him from punishing her because other men noticed her.
My daughter said he had over-reacted in the situation he was discussing because she didn't even look back. And then he hung himself. He went on to explain to her that it's never innocent, and that ALL MEN want sex with every beautiful woman they see, and that ALL MEN always go off the deep end and want to fight if another man smiles at THEIR WOMAN. And a bunch of ignorant shit like that. ALL MEN.
I let the fool talk as long as he wanted to talk. And then I smiled at my daughter and asked if she understood what he had just told her. She started to defend herself. And he smiled like he had won.
But I stopped her, and pointed out that he had just told her that he wants to have sex with every beautiful woman he sees. And that he will always go off the deep end and want to fight every man she talks to or who even looks at her. And, all men look at her so she wouldn't be able to go anywhere in peace.
That ALL MEN narrative should have hung ALL MEN centuries ago. Instead, many women nurtured and propagated it. There's a twist, though. All men are not like that. But, many women believe what they've heard about ALL MEN, and are out to hurt ALL MEN, making the world not quite as safe as it should be for the ones who are not like the ALL MEN men.
We've created a huge mess by not addressing the spills along the way.
I saw a man I respect for many reasons make a huge mistake yesterday by tweeting something about how we must believe every woman every time. NOOOOOOOOO! That's the same as ALL MEN. It ruins everything. We should listen to every one every time but not automatically believe or not believe every person of any gender just because. I know women who lie in just about every sentence. I know women who live lies.
Everyone should be heard. And what we derive from what we hear should be based on evidence when available, character consistencies, history, plausibility, motive, actions, intensity (an attempted rape versus he accidentally brushed my ass in a photo shoot), honesty in other aspects of the person's life . . .
And what we do with that information after we've heard it should depend greatly on the danger that person presents to society, or to particular individuals. That guy who followed me into a closet at work forty years ago and tried to kiss me caused me no harm, physically or emotionally, and is no harm to anyone today. I don't need to out him now because it's a fad. Telling my experience without mentioning his name, to help a younger girl understand how to deal with a situation like that is a good thing. An attempted rape while holding his hand over my mouth would be quite another story. A rape would be an even worse story. All three situations reflect a character defect. The attempted kiss was wrong because he was a married man. I think if he had been a dangerous man, he probably wouldn't have started with leaning in like he was going to kiss me.
Rape and attempted rape are violent acts that go to the core of a horrible character and I don't believe that kind of character changes. We need to elevate those stories and remove all power from the perpetrators, especially when the person who is not remembering doing them has been caught on national television lying about other things in a job interview for a position that gives him tremendous power over all of us.
