Who Took My Fearless?

I experienced 'changing with the times' in a terribly disappointing way today. As I was exiting a grocery, my purse over my shoulder, a bag in each hand, one hand also holding my keys, a man shouted at me from a picnic table nearby. Said he was hungry and asked if I would buy him a sandwich.

In the past, I would have handed him cash. This time, I knew I had twenties and coins and nothing between and, sadly can't afford to hand out twenties anymore. <--- Ahhhh it's all backwards, since everything costs more for them, too. So, I said I didn't have cash but hold on.

I unlocked my car, purse still on my shoulder, sat the bags on my seat, and pulled out a package of crackers and tub of artichoke/cheese dip. Yummy, and planned it for my lunch, but I could eat something else, and I offered it to him.

"No," he said. "I want a turkey sandwich."

And the memories flooded. I met a man one time when I really had left the office without cash, who wouldn't share my vegetable fried rice. He never did like rice. And my heart broke because that man looked hungry, and tired, and broken, and kind. And I wanted desperately to have him sit down and share my meal, and my friendship. And he would not.

I followed him for years, bringing him gloves, scarves, cash, and smiles. No rice. I wrote a poem about him and grieved when he disappeared, and I didn't know if it was due to finding a better place- or worse.

I told the guy I met today that I was sorry I had no cash for turkey. And I was sorry at that point.

He rose from his sitting position, appeared ready to step my way, and said, "Go back inside and use your card." No please, not like a question.

And I got in my car, locked the door, and drove away. Uncomfortable on every level. 😥

I miss being fearless.

On the drive home, I unpacked the many factors that were in play:

• COVID (this was a place where everyone still wears a mask to enter the store and I didn't see a mask on him and wonder if a homeless person has access anymore)
• times are depressingly tough for everyone, making it even harder for people who have to depend on generosity of others
• the heat (roads were literally melting in some places, power was out in several states, fires and flooding (both related to climate change), high winds in areas . . . had made many people irritable
• racists and domestic terrorists are emboldened by fascists formerly known as the Republican Party, probably making this man’s life harder and extremely disappointing at his age
• guns
  

Overthinking all of this is so much a part of me that all my related info and sadness kicks in spontaneously. Probably nothing mattered more than my *regret* that the reality of GUNS - combined with my age and disabilities - altered how I can honor who I really am.

To answer the question in my title, fascist-republicans made it dangerous for me to live my fearless and I blame Mitch McConnell first, along with the rest of the people he led, abetted, and carried into to a cult of mentally and emotionally unbalanced, anti-America, wannabe fascists.