Tomorrow is his birthday

Do I call? Should I call today if I decide I want to wish him a happy birthday since he’ll probably be with family tomorrow and won’t answer his phone and then I’ll think fuck him for not answering even though I sort of respect him for refusing to answer his phone when he’s with people?

Or, do I just message him? Then, he’ll know I remembered. Will he wonder why I just sent a message and didn’t call him?

I read the memes about ghosting (a new word for an old lady but a familiar situation) and how I am supposed to receive the hint and get over people who ghost me. And, to be perfectly honest, it’s impossible to even estimate the number of times this man has hurt my feelings in the last fifty-two years. Yeah, I have hung on and made myself available for more for half a century. Most of my life.

Because love never dies.

I can count the number of times he has broken my heart, though. Three. It’s possible that is an even score. But I’m not sure I want to receive the hint or should get over him. So, fuck memes.

It was a first relationship, first real kiss, first butterflies, first time lost in a crush on someone who was in my life and not on a television or movie screen. It didn’t count as a first real love then, but it became a real love when I returned after my first real love and my first real husband.  So, like those loves, this one never dies either.

I consider myself the queen of unpopular opinions and this –whatever this is—feels right but makes me question my sanity. Why can’t I just tuck him away in a treasure box with the ones who have died and let him ghost away? Why do I have to know and care that if I don’t call, he’ll feel ghosted and I’ll feel like a bitch? Why do I expect more of myself than I expect from him?

Of course, I know the answers to these questions. And I’ll call. Because love never dies, even when people don’t want to be in a relationship.

I think memes don’t consider the possibility that ghosting just might happen when people are afraid they’ll cross old familiar lines and cause more hurt so it’s not all bad. 

  via awwmemes.com