Gone Postal

I placed an internet order for two 30ml bottles of e-liquids that usually arrive within a few days, in a bubble-wrap envelope that fits easily in my mailbox, along with the usual assortment of bills and junk mail. On Sunday night, I checked tracking information on the package because coconut e-liquid is my favorite and I was almost out, and also because the temperature had dropped to below freezing. 

On Monday, the tracker said the package had been delivered to my mailbox at 11:52 a.m. Schools were closed for a snow day and we had record cold temperatures (low teens) for this time of year. I really love my coconut e-liquid so I bundled up in my winter coat, gloves, and snow boots and trekked across snow and ice to get to my mailbox – a block from my back door. There was no package in my box. I returned home, circling around to the front door (where at least the sidewalk had been cleared) and there was no package at my door. 

Unsure what the exact procedure might be for scanning package delivery into the system, I thought maybe it had been scanned when it left the post office and was still in the carrier's truck. Maybe the weather had slowed the carrier down and he would get it to me soon. I waited until evening and walked back over to the mailbox. Still, no package. 

On Tuesday, I checked early and again later. In other places I've lived, mail carriers were so routine that I was almost able to set the clock by when the mail arrived. Not so with this guy. He might show up at 9 a.m., 5 p.m., or anywhere between the two. Not cool when I live a block away from the mailbox and don't know if an empty box means I received nothing, or he hasn't been there yet. No package. 

When I got back home after the second trip on Tuesday, I went to the USPS website and filed a complaint - because there was no option for tracking a package that they believe has been delivered, or reporting a delivery that didn't happen. I received a case number (not quite as long as the tracking number and starting with the letters HQ) and requested an email response. 

Wednesday – no package, no email response. So, I called my branch office. I explained the situation and was told the supervisor would investigate and call me back. Around 5 p.m., I realized the day was almost over and the supervisor had not called. I tried calling again but, of course, it was after hours and there was no answer. I returned to the website and found a fax number for my branch office. Great. I typed my story, complete with the original tracking number and the new HQ case number and said I would not only like to have my package, I would also like to know where it had been for two days and why it was scanned as delivered to my box when it had not been delivered to my box. I tried, multiple times, to send the fax but didn't get through. 

Thursday – Tried sending the fax a couple more times with no luck. No package, no email response, no return call from supervisor. Called St. Matthews again and said something must be wrong with their fax machine. Nope, nothing wrong with it – they don't have a fax machine anymore.
I said I had called the day before and was told a supervisor would call me back, but that didn't happen. The guy on the other end said he hadn't spoken to me and didn't know who had (but didn't shout out – hey, anybody remember this call). I started over. Told my story again. He put me on hold. For about 15 minutes, I listened to the most annoying few bars of music and a short message, over and over and over and over.

Frustrated, I hung up and called back. Said I thought someone put me on hold and forgot me. The person who answered didn't bother to shout out – hey, anybody put some lady on hold and forget her – just asked what I needed. I told my story again. Again, I was insulted with questions-for-dummies - did I check my mailbox? How about my front door? Did I knock on the doors of neighbors to see if they had my package? Yes. Yes. No. And I'm not going to knock on the doors of my neighbors to track my package that I know fits in my box and that has put in my box every other time I've ordered it. He didn't know what to tell me. 

I asked if he thought the tracking number or complaint number might help him. No. Then, he realized I live in an apartment complex and was positive the carrier had left the package in the office. I said no, when he delivers a package to the office, they call me immediately. And if they had called me and I failed to pick it up for two days, they would have called me again. So, I knew it was not delivered to the office. 

Maybe it was too large to fit in my mailbox so the carrier placed it in one of the larger, lock boxes. He wanted me to hang up, call the office, and return to the mailbox to see if there was a key for the larger box in there. I told him there was not a key in my mailbox and I was not going to walk back over there but I would waste my time and the office staff time by calling there when I already knew – and had already told him – the answer to that question. I hung up, called the office, she said she would have called me if she had a package but, to be absolutely positive, she would check the packages delivered there today. Mine was not there. 

I called my branch again and asked for a supervisor. The guy on the phone said he was the supervisor and I'm pretty sure it's the same man I had spoken with before but he let me explain the situation and assure them that the package was not in the office. Then, I would have to call Consume Affairs. He gave me the number.

I called Consumer Affairs and received a recording instructing me to call 1-800-ASKUSPS, who would contact my local post office with my complaint. (It's safe to assume tears here.)
Called my branch back with this info. He asked if I called the 800 number. I asked why should do that when they are going to refer me back to him? If I wanted his help, I would have to call that 800 number.

I hung up. Called the 800 number where I received a voice-activation menu that included scheduling redelivery, scheduling pick-up, cancelling mail – but nothing for reporting a missing package. I tried 'customer service' and 'help' and 'missing package' and ended up with "Thank you for your call," before being disconnected.

Called my branch again. They can't help if I don't talk to the 800 people or, maybe I could try Complaints. He gave me the number for Complaints, where I got the same menu.
Slammed the phone down and returned to the internet, where I had to create an account, with a password that included lower case, upper case, numbers, symbols . . . After all of that, I could find no place to track my stupid case number.

Called Complaints again. Went through the same list – missing package, customer service, help, human, and, finally, found the magic key. FUCK YOU is either so unrecognizable or offensive to the robot that took me right to a real live woman. A very nice, real live woman who listened to me tell her each of the steps I had taken, apologized, and gave me a third number, this one starting with CA, that I can probably go nowhere to track. 

Nice Lady was emailing my branch as we spoke and promised someone would get back to me. Soon.
All of this over a $20 order. I might have forgotten it if this were not the third time in a few months that tracking information stated packages had been delivered to my address when they had not been. 

My other activities today included: 

Renewing my driver's license and getting the photographer who says, "Ready?" and then waited until my smile faded into a WTF look to snap the picture.

and 

Taking my glasses for repair only to find out they can't be repaired, and then finding the perfect pair of glasses only to find they'd been placed in the wrong section and were really $200 higher than the sale price section I thought I was shopping in.


 
I.need.nicotine.