Please, Stop the Stupid (at&t Chapter)

On December 20, 2014, I received this letter from at&t in my email. Since I was already in parse-the-words and sift-out-bullshit mode, it didn’t take long for red flags to double my blood pressure. 

  

My line-by-line:

Dear AT&T Internet Service Customer,  The letter head uses small letters for at&t and content of the letter uses capital letters. What am I to use? The informal comma instead of the formal colon following the salutation indicates this should be considered a friendly communication, not a binding business deal.

We are updating the AT&T Internet Terms of Service to provide you with current information. The agreement is effective 1/11/15. Less than a month from the date of the letter, these updates will be effective.

Here are some of the highlights of the updates:

*Equipment Monthly Fee: We have clarified the monthly equipment fee.  Less than a month might not be short notice if it were truly a clarification (elucidation, illumination, illustration, or interpretation) during one of the eleven months of the year in which there are not two holidays. It probably wouldn’t matter to most customers if the documented terms of services were edited to illuminate the monthly equipment fee with bold type or a dancing font, or to elucidate the monthly equipment fee by adding brand names or measurements, or illustrating with photos. But, when all is parsed and debullshitted, and it turns out they are raising rates mid contracts, those twenty-two days between December 20 and January 11 matter greatly. With two holidays that leave most businesses short-staffed on at least four days, making it nearly impossible for customers to investigate options and change carriers to do so.

*Customer Service Support: Clarified the support services governed by the High Speed Internet Terms of Service. I am a reasonably intelligent person (above average IQ and still on the good side of senile) and no matter how many times I read this line it still tells me absolutely nothing.

*Business Dial: Business Dial Service will no longer be available effective Jan 31, 2015. Sure glad I don’t have this service because it would totally suck to have to figure out how to run my business without it.

Contact Us: We have updated contact telephone numbers. At this point, I had no doubt my AT&T Internet Service Customer Care Team was hoping I was an idiot who would skim over this email and be too busy with Christmas activities to ask questions. Silly them.

Please note, by continuing to use the Service, you are agreeing to the terms and conditions set forth in the Terms of Service document. What exactly does that mean? And, if they were going to take the time to type this strange email message, why didn’t they include the information, especially the updated contact telephone numbers? Did this vague message mean that if I went to the internet to seek more information, was I continuing to use the Service (why the capital S)? If I responded to this email, was I continuing to use the Service? Or, did I have until January 1, which is about how long it takes to get through the menu options on their phone line, or to find anything on their website.

Visit att.com/tos2015 to view the AT&T Internet Terms of Service. Of course, we are ready and available to answer any questions you may have and to discuss individual account needs or concerns. If you have additional questions, visit our online support site at att.com/tos2015faq for a list of Frequently Asked Questions.

I decided to be a rebel and respond to the email with my questions. Ha! That resulted in this, which did nothing to improve my mood: 

 

With a sigh, and a bunch of cuss words, I went to att.com/tos2015 where I found their 13,612 terms of service document. None of those words were in red, or bold, or in any way indicated which parts had been clarified. Did they honestly expect me to find the 2014 terms of service and compare all 13,612 words for the clarification that should have been included in their ridiculously vague email? That’s their idea of service?

Next, with absolutely zero expectation that I would find anything useful there, I went to att.com/tos2015faq. They did not disappoint. There was absolutely nothing useful there. What little was there required clicking on drop-down links to find more unhelpful, blood-pressure-raising, run-around bullshit. 

In the spirit of pretending to care they included this, to which I responded with my complaint because I’m one smart cookie and I know they don’t really want to improve anything. 

 

Now would be a good time to use the bathroom, get a drink, light a smoke – because this is where I wasted about an hour of my time with AT&T online customer service representatives and I am going to waste your time sharing the conversations with you. Hopefully, once-removed position will make it entertaining for you. It wasn’t at all entertaining for me at the time but I can almost laugh about it now.

** Thank you for choosing AT&T. A representative will be with you shortly. Your estimated wait time to connect with a representative is within 0 minutes, 2 seconds. You are now chatting with Adam K.

Adam: Hello my name is Adam K. Thank you for allowing me to be your specialist today. How may I assist you? Hello Sandra, how are you today (it was night in my country but he probably didn’t know that).

Me: I received an email stating that you have “clarified” the monthly equipment fee and support services but it doesn’t tell me what the clarifications are. So, what are they? Really odd that they were not documented in the email.

Adam: Sandra, just to confirm, you received an email stating that the monthly equipment fee has been clarified, am I right? (Guess his computer doesn’t include scrolling up capabilities.)

Me: Yes, the monthly equipment fee and support services

Adam: I apologize for the inconvenience you have experienced. I can help you with that!  (Seriously, an exclamation point. Red flag for he hopes I’m an idiot.)

Me: And contact phone numbers.

Adam: Please allow me a moment, while I access your account. Thank you for your patience Sandra, I appreciate that.

Me: Warning: I have no patience for this. I hate corporate lingo and ambiguity.

Adam: I apologize for that Sandra, I can see that the equipment fee will be $1 more for every customers. That is the change happening from January for every customers.

Me: How is that clarification and why is my rate changing while I’m still in my contract period? Clarify: 1. Make (a statement or situation) less confused and more clearly comprehensible.

Adam: Like any business in a highly competitive industry, we occasionally adjust our rates to ensure that we are aligned with current market conditions. Factors in our pricing decisions include our costs of doing business, the value of our services provide, and our need to invest in the future. Even at the new rate, our prices still offer an excellent value and competitive prices. I would be happy to review your account and provide you with personalized recommendation AT&T offers many products and services to help you with your entertainment and communication needs.

Me: The only thing I want you to help with is an explanation of why my bill is already higher than stated on my contract and you are raising it even more. The “highly competitive” corporate idiocy is insulting and I already told you I have no patience for it.  

Adam: I apologize for that on behalf of AT&T Sandra, I will check the bill for you now.

Me: I requested an explanation the first time my bill was higher than it should have been and got no response

Adam: Sandra, please give me a moment while I check the bill for you.

Adam: Sandra, I can see that your monthly bill is ____ plus taxes.

Me: Yes. Can you also see what I was billed the last few months?

Adam: Sure Sandra, Let me check that also for you, I assure you that I will fix this before we end this chat. (This is where I started grinding my teeth and telling myself Americans are total fools for allowing businesses to pass frustrating experiences like this pass as customer service.)

Me: Thank you

Adam: You are welcome.

Adam: Sandra, I can see that your bills were high and will get you credit on next bill. And also for the inconvenience you have faced I will get you U450 free for 3 months also. U-450 has up to 440 digital channels including more than 175 HD channels, HBO/Cinemax package includes 18 channels of HBO/Cinemax programming, Sports package exciting sports channels, 46 digital music channels and extensive On demand library, Movie package includes Showtime, The movie channels (TMC), Flix, Starz, Encore and more.  (Confirmed: AT&T thinks I’m worse than stupid. They assume I’m Republican. I’d bet my last dollar that Adam copied and pasted that sales pitch, prepared for him by the company with Republican punctuation and capitalization.)

Me: thank you

Adam: You can make unlimited calls across the country for free and also to Canada.

Me: I appreciate that.

Adam: Thank you Sandra. Once again I apologize for this.

Me: What about the customer service change? Do I need to know about that?

Adam: Yes Sandra, it is for every customers in general, there will be a $1 increase for the equiment. It will not affect the current bill, it will be from January.

Me: In addition to the dollar increase for equipment rental?

Adam: equipment* (How sweet is that?)

Me: (nothing, because I’m speechless except for words that I can’t say to Adam.)

Adam: Yes currently the equipment fee if $7, from January onwards it will be $8. I hope you understand my situation.

Me: I don’t understand why that was two points in the letter: 1) clarification of monthly equipment fee and 2) clarification of support services governed by High Speed Internet TOS

Adam: I apologize for that, for more clarification I will connect you with my manager. Sandra, please note down the order number for free U450  ____________  I will transfer this chat directly to my manager now. Shall I connect you with my Supervisor?

Me: ok

Adam: Please wait while I transfer the chat to Vin

*You are now chatting with Vin

Vin: Hi Sandra I am the supervisor on the floor.

Me: Hi

Vin: How are you doing today?

Me: (all out of nice) Can you explain what the changes will be in support services governed by High Speed Internet?

Vin: Yes Sandra I will explain that for you. It is regarding your price increase. Please allow me a moment to get the details.

Me: Is that an additional price increase on top of the $1 for equipment rental?

Vin: I will be right with you. (He’s the freaking Supervisor on the floor, in charge of customer service reps who are answer questions about the ridiculously vague email they just sent to “every customers” and can’t answer the simplest question? Really?) Yes. Thank you for your patience.

Me: I am not patient.

Vin: I am sorry for this. There will be a $3 increase for the TV service. And $1.00 increase with the Internet service.

Me: Can’t believe you didn’t know what I was asking or have the answer available – or that it wasn’t defined in the email to begin with.

Vin: And $1 increase with each receiver and equipment. And this will be applicable on from January.

Me: What! (My turn for an exclamation point.) $3 per television? That wasn’t even mentioned in the email.

Vin: That was the email that you received.

Me: This is unacceptable.

Vin: I am sorry Sandra

Me: What about my contract? What is the date on my contract? And sorry doesn’t fix anything.

Vin: I can help you with that.

Me: What is the date on my contract?

Vin: Your contract will be expired on 2/27/15

Me: And how many pieces of equipment are you counting for me? What is the TOTAL increase you are trying to slip past me?

Vin: Please allow me a moment to check with this. Thank you for your patience. You have an increase of $6.0. $6.00*

Me: I am NOT patient. I am angry. The email should have included all of this information. Instead, they wasted forty minutes of my time.

Vin: I am sorry Sandra for this. I am here to help you with this.

Me: Sorry doesn’t fix anything or give back my time.

Vin: I understand your point. Like any business in a  . . . (same bullshit Adam copied and pasted) I would be happy to review your account and provide you with personalized recommendation. AT&T offers many products and services to help you with your entertainment and communication needs.

Me: Unless you can give me everything I already have at the price (or lower) I already have, I’m not interested

Vin: Sandra, the increase is still not in your bill. So we don’t have an option to check the alternatives to lower your charges.

Me: It will be in my next bill, right?

Vin: It would be better if you contact us back after getting your bill. Because we can only confirm this increase on you get this bill. Once*

Me: And waste another forty minutes of my time? Is that how AT&T wants to treat customers?

Vin: Then only we can see the changes that is going to happen. I am really Sandra for the time taken to explain this.  (Hope he’s not going to tell every customer he is Sandra for their problems.)

Me: You can see them now – you just told me about them. That makes no sense.

Vin: No Sandra, I have provided the general information’s. But this is not yet updated on your records. It will be updated along with your next bill.

Me: So, why can’t you make the adjustments before I get the next bill? Somewhere, it is documented that you plan to raise my rates next month (before my contract expires) so you should be able to make the adjustment before it happens.

Vin: I got your point. What the best I can do for you is, I will provide an adjustment of $6 for this month from my end.

Me: This month? Not every month to follow?

Vin: I am sorry Sandra it is only for this month. I am not able to provide credit for every month, as you know the changes are not reflected. The rate increase is valid and you will definitely get explanation for this along with your next bill.

Me: Who do I contact to express my extreme displeasure with the email and the way they tried to slip this under the radar instead of being open about all of these increases?

Vin: You can reach us back one you see the changes so that we can also explain that for you with your bill.

Me: Seriously? Do you think I’m stupid? I contacted you NOW about it and should not have to contact you again. Print this. Put it in my file and revisit it before you charge me the new rates. I should not have to go through this again. Apologies are no good unless you make changes to go with them. Otherwise, they are empty words Please adjust my account before I am expected to pay $6 more.

Vin: I will make notes for you. I see that your contract will expire on 2/16/15, I will go ahead and get you a credit of $12 for the remaining months in your contract.

Me: Thank you for that adjustment.

Vin: You are welcome. Also you can reach us back once you see the changes in your next bill. We are responsible to explain this for you. But we can only do this with your bill. But as I just mentioned, the changes are not yet reflected. I appreciate your understanding on this matter.

(Ahhhhhhhhhh  Remember, next month when it is reflected on our bills, it will be too late. We will have already used our service – or, should that be Services – after receiving the letter, and after January 1.)

Me: Who do I contact to express my displeasure about the vague, misleading email? I understand that you did not make the decision or write the email.

Vin: You can reach us back through this chat or you can reach us through 1800-288-2020. I would recommend to contact us back after receiving your bill.

Me: Who made that decision? I want a name.

Vin: So that it would be better to help you with this. Sandra, every rate increase that was made by AT&T was authorized by FCC>  FCC*

Me: No one responds when I contact AT&T will billing questions. I realize this provides you with a job but this is mostly just busy-work and sales, not real solutions.

Vin: We are the billing team, and we will explain this with your bill.

Me: It wasn’t mandated by FCC so authorization means little. Nice try.

Vin: So you can reach us back after getting your bill.

Me: I think it might be best for me to seek answers through media since AT&T is obviously not forthcoming with information. Thanks for your time.

Vin: I understand your situation Sandra. I have applied the credit of $12.00 It will be updated within 10 minutes. Sandra, once again, I apologize on behalf of AT&T for this. Please accept my apologies. I will also make detailed notes for you. So that we will have all of the info that we have discussed here. It would be easy to help you with this when you contact us back again with your bill. Is there anything else I can assist you with? XXXXXX, you can view the privacy policy and get answers to your questions online at http://att.com/privacy. You can also manage your privacy choices for the External Marketing and Analytics Reports online at att.com/cmpchoice. You will need an AT&T online account established to do this. If you don’t already have an AT&T account setup, instructions on how to setup an online account are on the website (for the record, I was chatting with him from the link I found on my online account). The specialized team that can assist you with your Privacy Policy questions . . .  bunch  more lines and then: I’m sorry I sent that by mistake. I haven’t heard from you in a while (because I went to the bathroom like I always do during commercials). Do you wish to continue this chat? I am ending this session since I have not heard from you.

The next day, I received another email containing this: 

I valued my sanity enough to refrain from clicking on any links, responding to the email, or contacting customer service.

A $6 monthly increase might not seem like much to some people. To people living on minimum wage, social security, or unemployment, it is. And despite what cold-hearted, clueless people want to tell themselves, phone, internet, and television are necessities.

If you think this was tedious and a waste of time, wait until you see my Stop the Stupid - Wellcare Chapter. This was nothing in comparison.