From first grade on, Barney (seriously, I lack imagination)
knew what he wanted to be if he ever had to grow up. His nightly visions of the
future often turned into wet dreams. In case your dirty mind went the wrong
place, he drooled all over his pillowcase thinking about the hamburgers he
would one day sell in his very own franchise.
When he was too old for rabble rousing and still too young
for muck racking, and finally decided to give his dream a shot, he discovered
timing was not one of his better strengths. His region was already
over-saturated with the franchise of his wet dream. So, he found a way to
circumvent timing, without having to change his address (telephone number, or voter
registration). He opened a pizza joint instead of a hamburger joint.
Life was grand. He told his friends and family he made the
best hamburgers on the face of the earth. He even told them that he, personally,
had created the Slider™ and the Big Boy™, and that he invented flame broil and
the cheeseburger, and that they would never regret eating every meal at his new
franchise because the burgers at his franchise were all that with extra special sauce.
Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, three hundred
and sixty-five days a year, his friends and family (now fans) packed into his
place for pizza. Not one of them ever suspected they were eating pizza instead
of burgers. When sufficiently sated with pizza and primed with heartbern, they left
Barney’s pizza place to crash burger joints. Inside, they hovered over
customers, breathing down their necks and spitting on them, and told them they were
really eating pizza, and they should throw those pizzas down and rush over to Barney’s
place for real burgers.
No matter how many people removed their buns and showed the
Barney fans the ground beef under their lettuce, the Barney fans just screamed that
they were COOLADE,,,DRINKERS!!! and too stupid to know the difference between a
burger and a pizza. When people petitioned the town to force the Barney fans to
stay in Barney’s place and stop being such obnoxious menaces to society, the
Barney fans cried that they were being persecuted by pizza eaters.
It’s hard to say if Barney fans know the difference between pizzas
and burgers, or if they even like either.
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